The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step - Lao Tzu

I’ve been lost inside my head lately. It’s not an easy journey, too many detours, too many layovers in the past. My path has become one of grief, it's a road that stretches on forever, no end in sight. I told someone recently, I’m not who I was when we met and I’m not who you see now. I’m forever changed, the result of this road I've been on. May was a hard month. The anniversary was a flood of memories and reminders, the remembrance of Dermot’s life, forever frozen in time. Time marches on but he does not.

Grief and mourning are used interchangeably, but they are different. Grief is the loss, mourning is how we show it. I have no expression for my grief, it has overtaken me. I don't want to lose myself in this place, this universe of grief I’ve created, please don't let me be frozen in this time.

The question I ponder most these days is where do I go from here. The roadmap inside my head does not tell me, it only shows where I have been. How do I navigate this journey?

Steinbeck wrote, “People don’t take trips—trips take people.”

Experience has taught me this to be true. Keep Moving Forward is my Mantra. The road will lead the way.

In the early months after Dermot died, I fled Charleston. I visited friends and family, anyone who would offer me shelter. I zigzagged across the country in search of relief from my pain. I met new friends, reconnected with old, lost myself in the desert. I couldn't stay in the city that reminded me so desperately of what I had lost.

As I reflect on where I am a year later, I recognize I'm on a new journey. I am visiting friends and I'm on my way to the desert but I'm different now. I'm not who you knew then and I won't be who you know now. I'm on a new path. When I lose myself on this journey, I remind myself of what Dermot would have wanted. He knew me at my best and made me my best. This is my path, my journey.